I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
