he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
