JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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