just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
