Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
