I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I understand Curling. That high.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
