I can't watch pbs sober anymore
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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