my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
