I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
