mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.