i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You are a genius and a whore.
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