Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
