you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
