hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
