OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
