Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
