Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
