grandma shit on top of the toilet
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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