If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
