Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
