I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
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