She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
