btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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