I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
