I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
