This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
