I wannas sexs uuuuu
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
