she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
