I skipped work to stalk him.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
