Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
