Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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