So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
