Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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