Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
