I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
