My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
