Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
