I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
