Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
