any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
