i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i out mim tonsoeep
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
