i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
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You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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