i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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