Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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