I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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