I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
