On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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