I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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