Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
