i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
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For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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