Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
