just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
