it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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