Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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