Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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